Whether this is your first international move, or like me, your seventh, I guarantee that you know everything you need to know to make your experience a success, even if you don’t believe it right now.

I certainly found this to be true during my first overseas stint in the Middle East during my junior year in college.  The summer before my classes began, I enrolled in an intensive language program.  While I had lessons all day, I lived among fellow Americans and naturally we spoke English.  When the academic year began, my American cohorts were shipped off to an English speaking university while I attended a local one. My engineering classes were taught in the local language which I barely understood.  My new classmates were more than delighted to speak English with me outside of lectures.  I felt extremely lucky to have such a caring community but as the line in the movie Pretty Woman goes, “Big mistake, huge!”

My new classmates “helped,” me so much by speaking English that I ended up failing two of my four required courses the first semester!  Unlike my other classes, these two were not accompanied by an English textbook.  I allowed my classmates to determine our language of communication because it was easier to let them take control than to fight.  “I don’t understand you.  Just speak English!  It’s easier and faster.  Why waste time?” they would question.  I needed to change tactics fast if I wanted to pass.

The problem lay in the language barrier.  I decided the first step was to refuse to speak English from that point forward.  I put aside my fear of making mistakes or offending or inconveniencing others.  “If you want to buy an airline ticket to the States, I’d be happy to speak English with you,” was the snarky line I used if anyone tried to speak English with me.  I managed to pass all six classes the second semester, including the two I failed the previous one.  My failure, which ultimately led to my success, taught me strategies that I would replicate with every move thereafter.

Recall a time when you were new to an environment, be it university, a work place or a previous foreign country, and you managed to transition successfully, or unsuccessfully for that matter.  Keep in mind that success often follows failure, and we can learn from both.  Ask yourself these questions:

• What did you do (or not do) which made your transition a success or failure?  In my case, I used my strength of determination and perseverance to gain the confidence to speak in a foreign language.
• How can you apply those lessons to your current environment?
• What do you wish you had done differently and how can you apply that to NOW?
• How can you thrive and not just survive?

We are all unique.  Each of us has different talents, experiences and values.  We all want different things out of life.  For me, I love living overseas.  Change makes me feel alive.  I enjoy experiencing other cultures and learning foreign languages.  While each place I’ve lived has had its pluses and minus, they have all been an adventure, which is something I value greatly.  I focused and embraced what each place had to offer, rather than on what it lacked.  This perspective allowed me to always see the glass half full.  Not everyone likes change but I believe we can all learn to make the most of it.  I want to pass on some approaches that I have used, which have led to me really enjoy every new location.  I’m passionate about working with expatriates who don’t feel that they are getting the best out of themselves and out of life.  I gain deep satisfaction partnering with clients to help them shift their perspective on change and support them while they navigate through life’s transitions, be it a move or a change in career.  I believe we are all braver and stronger than we believe ourselves to be!

Most people resist change, and that is perfectly natural.  With every move, not only does our environment change, our roles change as well (at home, in our marriage, in the new community and in our careers).  This new community we find ourselves in knows nothing about us.  They don’t know who we were and what we’ve accomplished.  We all start with a clean slate.  When people ask us, “what do you do,” or “why are you living here,” it’s an opportunity for us to share who we are and bring forward the pieces of ourselves that we enjoy.  It’s an opportunity to add new things to the mix.  It’s also a chance to celebrate and honor a past that may no longer play key roles in our lives now; like a previous career.  With this clean slate, we have the opportunity to refocus and create a life that we find fulfilling and rewarding according to who we are, what we value and what our goals are in life.

• What are your values?
• How do you want to be living your life?

Below are my top 10 tips that I’d like to share with you in the hope that you find them useful.  Please keep in mind that they worked for me and may not work for you.  They are based on my own experiences, skills and values.  By exploring your own values and understanding what they mean to you and by creating awareness about what has worked for you in the past, I am confident that all of you can thrive.  You can do this on your own or with the support of others.  As a qualified Transition & Life Coach, I can partner with you to bring out the best version of “You” to ensure that you are living the life you desire.

1. Know Your Superpowers:  Identify your strengths, skills and talents and share them with your new communities.  One of my strong suits is that I naturally see others abilities rather than disabilities.  I see the positives rather than the negatives.  When I share such views with others, I feel a deep sense of fulfillment.

• What are your superpowers and how can you share them with your new community?

2. Adjust Your Expectations:  We’ve all gone to our host country’s local post office or bank, myself included, and wanted to pull our hair out because things weren’t done the way we expected them to be.  I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve administered a self-imposed ban from visiting a particular grocery store, after having shouted like a crazy woman when the service provided by their cashier in the ten items or less express lane didn’t match my expectations.  By understanding the local culture and customs, we can better understand how our new community functions and adjust our expectations.  Sometimes however, we forget to do the last step, which is to recalibrate.  Every place is different and it’s only fair that we treat them accordingly.

• How have you adjusted your expectations to accentuate all the positives that your new home has to offer? 

3. Check your Perspective:  While it can be helpful to create awareness about the differences between your home country and your host country, or your life before and your life now, choose to come from the perspective of honoring both, rather than insulting the other.  By focusing on what you’re gaining, rather than dwelling on what you are missing, it will allow you to propel yourself forward at a faster rate, rather than inching along burdened with anger and frustration.  Allow yourself to learn a different attitude towards this transition, one that better serves you.  Picture a backpack filled with all your bitter comparisons and then dump it.

• How are you focusing on what you’re gaining in your new home?  How can you find the opportunity in every challenge?

4. Share Versus Compare:  When you find yourself among the expat community or back home visiting a friend, it’s completely natural to compare yourself to them.  We use this data as a barometer by which to measure our successes, since we share a common lifestyle or history.  We’ve all thought at times, “Wow, how does she do all that? Where does she find the time?” or “I can’t believe what a career he’s had.  What have I been doing?”

• When you compare yourself to others, does it make you feel good?  If yes then move on to the next tip!  However, if you said no, I welcome you to share rather than compare.  The truth of the matter is that you are comparing apples and oranges.  While other expats may have moved around like you, they have lived in different places and been afforded different opportunities.  Furthermore, we each have different strengths and want different things out of life.  Chose to not only see the beauty in others, but in yourself as well.  This will help propel you forward in a way that motivates you rather than bringing you down.

• Instead, why not ask yourself how your journey has been special?  What are your strengths?  What are the other person’s strengths?  What are the amazing aspects of both your home country and your host country?

5. Learn the Language and Culture:  We are all busy with a career, family or both.  We all have only 24 hours in the day.  I’m not saying you need to become a native speaker, rather try and carve out some time to get to know where you are.  By learning the local language, even if it’s just some common phrases, it shows the local community that you want to get to know them.  If you are able to give the local language a shot, laugh when you make mistakes, welcome when others correct you, politely decline (without taking offense) if someone offers to speak in English instead.  In learning about the local culture you will gain a deeper understanding of their value system.  Try and reverse the situation.

• If you were in your hometown and met an expat who just moved next door, what would your expectations be of them?  How can you measure yourself against that same yardstick?

6. Make Local Friends:  Having local friends can be a complete game-changer when living a life overseas.  These friendships give you access to things foreigners wouldn’t necessarily be able to do and can greatly improve your perspective and help you build a network and support system.  Avoid socializing with co-nationals at first, particularly the ones that constantly make derogatory remarks about the host country.  The constant negativity is draining and sometimes contagious if it catches you on an inevitable bad day.  Try making international friends and focus on what your host country has to offer when you’re together.

• What venues do you have access to (child’s school, charity organization, gym, shops) where you can connect with locals in your area?

7. Know your Values:  Values are the principles that you live by; the things that make you tick.  You can’t check off a value like you can a goal.  Values can not only assist you in decision-making, but can also increase your motivation and buy-in by bringing into a situation or task.  Let your values serve as a roadmap for how you spend your time as you continue moving towards your goals.  By taking the time to know what you value and what makes you content, it will be easier to re-create your life in a way that brings deep satisfaction.  While you may not be able to find the same opportunities in every location, if you think outside the box, I have no doubt that you can create an amazing alternative that will allow you to reap the same rewards.

• What are your values?  Are you spending your time in accordance with them?  How can you include the aspects you miss from home, in a different form, in your host country?

8. Create a Plan:  If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there!  Create a plan to get you where you want to go.  Let your values guide how you spend your time and make a plan so that you are spending your time doing those things.  Allow the new culture and new friends to enrich you while at the same time, preserving the things about you that you value most.

• When your time in your host country comes to an end, what do you want to have accomplished?  How do you plan to achieve that?

9. Get Out of your Comfort Zone:  When we dare to push ourselves outside our comfort zone, fear starts to surface.  Usually that inner voice says, “wait a minute, don’t do that, they will say no, you’ll be rejected, stay playing small. You’re safe here.”  There is a bigger game that can be played however, and it’s an incredible one!  By stretching yourself and doing things you normally wouldn’t or that make you uncomfortable, you open up yourself to cross-cultural experiences, growth and new friendships.  Don’t miss out on opportunities!  When you are the new one in town, the onus is on you to get out there, make the effort, invite people over, go the extra mile.  If you are a seasoned expat, I encourage you to go the extra mile for that newly arrived expat.  What may be a small act of kindness to you can be a huge helping hand for them.

• In what ways are you stretching yourself outside of your comfort zone?

10. Empower Yourself:  As a newly arrived expat, your first encounter with your new community likely involves the question “What do you do?” or “Why are you living here?”  If either elicits a befuddled and angst-ridden response on your end, you may want to take some time to explore what’s coming up.  When I quit my job to move to the UK to live with my now husband, I cringed at being asked what I do.  I felt like I had been exposed.  It was as if they all discovered I wasn’t working and was a free-loader, so I thought!  I had defined myself by my job for so long and when I didn’t have one, I was lost.  Everyone struggles with identity challenges at some point or another, particularly expats who have gone from working to not working.

• When you ask these introductory questions of others, what are you hoping to gain?  For me, and I imagine for you as well, you are coming from a place of curiosity and interest, not one of judgement.  It’s your attempt to get to know them and find some common ground.  Seize this opportunity to share yourself with others and provide a way for them to connect with you.  Take some time and craft a story.  Devise a powerful response that focuses on why you moved abroad and on your goals.  Help others better connect with the real you.   Rather than saying simply, “we’re here because of my husband/wife’s job,” why not try something like, “we chose to move here because we thought it would be a great place for the family to live,” or whatever your reasons were for choosing the expatriate lifestyle.   You can always add on the part about your spouse’s job.  Speak honestly and people will warm to you. You are good enough!

• What is your story?  What do you want others to know about you to give them a sense of who you really are?

 

Alison Goldstein, Transition & Life Coach for Expats and their Accompanying Spouses

Website: www.alisongoldstein.com, Email: Coach@alisongoldstein.com